


4th Period

by dyingpoet



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Social Anxiety, mentions of self harm, no graphic depictions of either, so this is gonna be a weird sorta time lapse, they deserve happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-24 23:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13821510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyingpoet/pseuds/dyingpoet
Summary: Evan's lunch period got switched, he and Connor sit alone together. It's hard not to talk to the only other person at the table





	1. Cafeteria

**Author's Note:**

> I started this ages ago and I meant to make it one long fic but I'm going to try and make it a multi-chapter thing so I have some motivation??
> 
> Let's see how this goes

Evan was anxious, which wasn't really significant, but it was worth mentioning that this time he hadn't caused it himself. It was the third day of the school year and he had to get his schedule fixed because he dropped his culinary class, and his lunch period got switched. Since he pretty much only talked to Jared and sometimes Alana, this was a pretty big problem because both of them had been in his old lunch period and now he was alone.

It was slowly becoming a manifestation of his worst fear? Because he would have to either sit alone or skip lunch and go to the library and sit alone there. He figured that either way he was alone but if he skipped lunch his stomach would start growling during fifth period and everyone would hear it and it would be  _awful_.

Hence the anxiety. He had gotten all of his books for the second half of the day and had drawn out the walk as much as possible, but now he was here and he thought he was walking too fast and was pretty sure that the lunch lady gave him a funny look and god he just needed to sit down. At the very back he found an empty table and quickly sat down, steadying his breathing as he put in his headphones, turning up the volume and starting to eat.

After about ten minutes Evan could pretty proudly say that his hands weren't shaking as much, which was actually kinda sad now that he thought about it but still. The table was sort of around a corner too, which meant that he became out of sight of most of the other kids once he sat down which was pretty great.

"Excuse me?" 

Evan started pretty violently, his earbud had been pulled out and, shit, Connor Murphy was standing in front of him right now and he suddenly became very aware that if he tried to stand right now he would collide with Connor so he was sort of trapped and it was really hot in the lunchroom and-

Connor cleared his throat, looking down at Evan expectantly, clearly waiting for some sort of response.

"Uh, I'm really sorry, I-I didn't know this was your table I'll just-" Evan got halfway through his next stutter-filled explanation before Connor put a hand up, looking annoyed, but somehow less so than he did on a normal basis, so that was sort of a plus.

"It's fine, I'm just not used to anyone else sitting here," Connor said, uncharacteristically calm, as if he was speaking to a frightened animal instead of Evan, just nervous, nothing, no one Evan. Evan, who began to stammer out a thank you, found himself abruptly cut off when Connor walked away and sat at the other end of the table, slipping in his own pair of earbuds and settling down to eat.

Truly, Evan thought he might get murdered in front of a large percentage of the student body, which he sort of felt bad about thinking now, but it was  _Connor Murphy_ , the kid who came to school high and punched walls in the gym locker room. Now that he thought about it, this was the first time Evan had ever spoken directly to Connor, he generally avoiding talking to most people so it was sort of ironic that he had a decent conversation with the scariest kid in school. 

Quietly going back to eating his lunch, Evan put his earbuds back in, casting glances at Connor every couple of minutes. If Connor noticed, he didn't show it or care, just ate his lunch, played on his phone for a few minutes, and left a couple of minutes before the period ended.

Overall, this lunch period could have been worse, Jared hadn't made fun of him for a startlingly long period of time while Evan pretended to find him funny. Connor didn't bother him, and that was really all he could as for, right?

* * *

 

The rest of the week passed in a similar fashion, Evan sitting down and making brief eye contact with Connor as he arrived, spending the rest of the period in relative silence. Every so often he would steal a glance in Connor's direction, and vice versa, but besides that the period was blissfully uneventful.

Then Monday rolled around and the routine safety that Evan had gotten used to cracked and shattered on the linoleum floor beneath him.

He sat down as he usually did, taking out his lunch and digging for his earbuds in his backpack pocket when Connor arrived. Instead of walking to the opposite end like he usually did, he went the other direction and sat down almost directly across from Evan, who had froze by then. Connor seemed unfazed, putting his earbuds in and looking over at Evan, who quickly averted his eyes, and ate his lunch quietly.

After the initial shock Evan managed to calm down, he didn't need to talk he supposed, so he just kept his eyes down and went about his business. Near the end of the period though he noticed Connor lingered, getting up right after Evan and walking with him for a few strides before breaking off, leaving Evan confused and disoriented.

* * *

 

The next two days went like that, although Evan was significantly less inclined to get comfortable, years of experience had taught him to remain on edge, obsessively so actually. So, on Thursday when Connor sat down right in front of him, looking at Evan expectantly without putting his own earbuds in, Evan was less surprised, anxious and shaking a bit, but less surprised.

"So, um, why are you sitting here all the sudden?" Connor asked, not sounding hostile, more curious, and slightly nervous even?

"W-well I had my schedule, um, switched? And I had to move lunch periods and Idon'tknowanyoneinthisonesoIjustsatdown-" Evan rambled, once again cut off by a look from Connor, again, less hostile and more bemused. Evan felt his palms start sweating because he honestly had no idea what was going on or might go on and he hated not knowing what other people were going to do.

"That sucks," Connor said, "At least you got to ditch Kleinman." He laughed a bit then, not a proper laugh, but it was still the first time Evan had seen any semblance of humor on Connor's face in, well, _ever_  really. 

So, Evan laughed nervously as well, he really didn't feel as bad as he should have for laughing at Jared, but Connor sort of had a point. Once they stopped, the silence hung between them, Evan started fiddling with his earbuds and Connor kept looking down at the table and back up at him. Finally, Evan cleared his throat and said, "S-so, is this table always empty, it's sort of nice."

Connor looked up, turning the ends up his mouth up the tiniest bit, replying, "Yeah, most people tend to avoid this corner because a janitor got stabbed to death by a kid over here a few years back."

Evan, who had taken a bite of his sandwich, choked and started coughing. Connor on the other hand smiled, really smiled, and chuckled a bit again. "Dude that was totally a lie, I'm sorry. You really bought it though, fuck."

Finally able to breathe properly, Evan took a sip of milk and gaped a bit, "That was terrifying." Choking had already upped his heart rate and having this long of a conversation with a kid who hadn't said more than a word to him in probably ten years wasn't helping. Somehow though, it sort of felt like he was talking to Jared, which really was sad because he knew Jared for years and Connor for less than two weeks. But, he didn't come off as mean as he would have expected, more morbid and sarcastic than school shooter vibes.

"I have a kinda dark sense of humor," Connor admitted, seeming a bit more comfortable with Evan than he had at the beginning on the conversation, he stopped playing with the strings on his hoodie for one. 

"Y-yeah," Evan stuttered, not really knowing how to keep this conversation going, choosing to take another bite of his sandwich instead. He hated eating food in front of other people but if he tried to say something he knew it would come out wrong and Connor would probably think he was a freak and he would go back to sitting alone. So he ate, relieved when Connor started talking again.

"So, what kinda stuff do you listen to?" he asked, gesturing to Evan's abandoned earbuds that sat on the table.

"Um, a lot of uh, alternative, I guess? Like, I listen to The Neighborhood and that sort of stuff a lot."

"Oh yeah, I've heard of them, they're pretty good," Connor said, picking at his own earbuds for a second before continuing, "I listen to indie a lot, more like underground stuff, y'know?" Evan noticed then that Connor started biting his lip, a flicker of nervousness appearing in his eyes as he looked back up. 

"Yeah, I listen to indie sometimes too, it's really cool and just uh, different and interesting and stuff," Evan said quickly, feeling the need to create a connection for some reason, Connor was trying so he might as well too. He glanced up at the clock then, they only had a couple of minutes before the bell and Connor's eyes quickly followed his own.

"Shit, we gotta go, what class do you have uh, next?" Connor asked, gathering his stuff quickly and throwing the remains of his lunch in the trash.

"Environmental, with Garner?" 

Connor nodded, walking over to Evan's side of the table and falling into step with him as they walked toward the cafeteria entrance, "I have Chem, on this floor, I'll see you tomorrow though." He waved quickly and turned into a hallway quickly filling with other kids. Evan then started walking toward his own class, putting in his earbuds and letting music flood into his ears, blocking out the wave of sound surrounding him, letting him drift off as he walked.

* * *

 

Friday Evan had to go to the computer lab to type up his letter to himself, he had therapy that evening, so he wouldn’t be at lunch. This came as somewhat of a relief, sitting with Connor was new, not bad necessarily, it just spiked his nerves, and the opportunity to have a free period of silence was inviting.

Quietly he sat down, the room was empty except for him so he allowed himself to relax and release the tension in his shoulders. A light above him flickered as he logged onto the computer and began writing his letter.

Friday Evan had to go to the computer lab to type up his letter to himself, he had therapy that evening, so he wouldn’t be at lunch. This came as somewhat of a relief, sitting with Connor was new, not bad necessarily, it just spiked his nerves, and the opportunity to have a free period of silence was inviting.

Quietly he sat down, the room was empty except for him so he allowed himself to relax and release the tension in his shoulders. A light above him flickered as he logged onto the computer and began writing his letter. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today is going to be a good day, because even though you left your lunch period you haven’t started getting too anxious and have been practicing your breathing too, like Dr. Sherman recommended. You also might be making a friend, Zoe Murphy’s brother, Connor? You don’t know him that well and was kind of freaked out at first but he’s okay, he sits with you at lunch.  _

_ You don’t know why it’s so hard for you to make friends, it’s not hard for anyone else and it’s probably because everyone think you’re weird because you sweat and ramble and just act like a  _ freak _. You’re really selfish too? You know that? Everytime anyone laughs lately you think it’s about you, and even though you know that’s left centered you can’t stop thinking it because everyone at school knows. Zoe knows, that’s why she won’t look at you, Jared knows and won’t hang out with you if it didn’t pay his car insurance.  _

_ Connor probably knows, he’s probably playing some sort of sick trick on you that’s going to blow up in your face and everyone’s just going to  _ hate you _. _

_ I’m getting really worked up now and my hands started trembling again and I feel this weight in my chest that’s just crushing me and I need to get out of the computer lab, just get out of here, I don’t even know where here is but I need to get out. _

_ You really screwed up this letter _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Evan Hansen _

Evan really had started shaking, he always did when he let himself get off track on the letters, every bad thought and feeling just started pouring out of him too fast and he couldn’t deal with it once it was out there on a page. 

Something about writing all of this stuff down made it too real, like if he kept it inside he could just go to Dr. Sherman and say ‘fooled you’ and go back to being a normal functioning member of society. Deep down he knew that was impossible, knew that even if he didn’t write this stuff down it was still real, still happening inside of him every day. 

That though never really helped calm him down either though, so he took a few deep breaths, counting to six on the inhale, holding for three, and exhaling for six. After a few minutes of that he managed to get the trembling down. He was sweating now but he’d have to wait that out because the more he thought about sweating the more he’d sweat.

He moved the mouse over the print button and clicked, he’d need to have something to show his mom, he could just say he forgot it to Dr. Sherman so he wouldn’t have to have another session dedicated to the wretchedness that was his thought process.

The door to the lab opened just as he started to stand, Connor Murphy standing in the doorway, catching Evan’s eye and almost smiling as he walked over. 

“Hey,” he said, stopping a foot away from the frozen Evan and rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“Hey, uh, sorry I wasn’t at lunch, I had to print something and just-” 

Evan stopped, Connor had nodded and walked over to the printer, picking up his letter and beginning to read. “I-It’s really not that interesting, I just had to do it for this thing after school.”

Panic started rising in Evan’s throat when Connor remained silent, continuing to read Evan’s ramblings and just,  _ fuck _ , he’d probably think he was a freak or send him to the counselor and he really didn’t need that right now.

“This is sorta fucked up man,” Connor said, cutting off Evan’s train of thought and looking up. Connor didn’t look mad, which was sorta of a relief, but he didn’t look happy, or his version of happy, which freaked him out. 

Clawing at a hangnail, Evan walked over and jerkily reached his hand out, grabbing the letter and stuttering out an explanation.

“I-It’s for my therapist? Sorry, I just-”

“Why are you apologizing?” Conner asked, “At least you go to therapy man, take care of that shit.”

Evan had no idea if Connor was trying to be condescending or reassuring but either way he didn’t know how to react to any of this.

“Um yeah? I guess so,” he got out finally, biting his lip and making interval eye contact. Silence stretched on after that, Evan hadn’t the slightest idea of where this conversation was heading, and Connor didn’t seem to either if his blank expression was anything to go by.

“Do you have my number, you don’t right?” Connor asked, finally breaking the heavy silence.

“Um no, I mean, I don’t think so, no.”

Nodding, Connor held out his hand, accepting Evan’s phone which he shakily opened and handed over. Connor silently typed in his number giving him his phone back and sending a quick text.

“You got that right?”

Evan looked down:

 

_ Connor Murphy: this is connor _

 

“Yeah.”

“Okay cool,” Connor said, playing with the straps on his backpack, “We should probably get going, bell’s gonna ring soon.”

They both walked toward the door, making brief eye contact and nodding before walking in seperate directions. The bell did ring, and Evan almost ran into about fifteen people on the way to class because, what the  _ fuck _ .

* * *

 

Evan stared at the linoleum tiles underneath him as he walked, counting them as he walked into the lunch room, almost managing to put everyone else at the back of his mind as he approached his lunch table.

That weekend had been strange, sort of good and sort of bad. The bad part was that he’d forgotten to print up a new letter and had to bring his real one to Dr. Sherman, which led to a long conversation and a call to his mom and an appointment with a new psychiatrist, and just  _ ugh _ . His mom looked so sad when she picked him up after his appointment, letting him pick what they got for dinner and crying halfway through the meal, going on about how much Evan meant to her and how he could always talk to her.

It broke his heart really, none of this was her fault, she couldn’t see that but it was him, just him, just  _ Evan _ . And he hated it.

He’d been in a shitty mood most of Saturday after that, hiding in his room so he wouldn’t have to see the pitying looks his mom kept sending his way. 

Sunday had been different though, the good part if you will. He’d slept in and for the first time in ages woke up with a text:

_ Connor Murphy (3:38am): hey, u up? _

He hadn’t been, and he honestly didn’t know what he would have said if he had, but nevertheless he’d responded:

_ Evan Hansen (9:17am): i was asleep, sorry _

Connor hadn’t responded for the rest of the day, hence the current nervousness. There were any number of reasons why he didn’t respond, none of them seemed to bode well for Evan, they mostly centered around Connor thinking Evan was creepy and just not wanting to deal with it.

He really couldn’t blame him, he thought, walking up to their table and sitting down. Connor wasn’t there yet, so Evan put in his headphones quietly and started picking at his nails. The morning had been hectic so he’d forgotten to bring money for lunch and he felt his stomach growl, turning red because it was early and he’d be starving by the time he got home and he really didn’t want to order food because it was just uncomfortable and-

“Hey.”

Evan started, watching as a bemused Connor made his way to the other side of the table, “Hey.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you dude,” Connor almost-smiled again after he said that, sitting down and playing with the strings on his hoodie somewhat nervously.

“N-no you’re fine,” Evan said and he fumbled to pause his music and take out his earbuds. He flicked his eyes up and back down quickly, Connor was staring at him, looking away as well once Evan caught his eye. 

“Sorry I didn’t text you back yesterday, phone got taken away.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Connor nodded, keeping his eyes glued to the table, biting his lip and glancing up every so often, “So um, do you wanna hang out sometime?” 

Evan knew he probably looked like an idiot because he was really caught off guard, the last time he’d hung out with anyone besides Jared was, fuck, probably last year? He’d done a project with Alana and met her at Starbucks, that didn’t really count though.

“Uh, yeah, that’d be great,” Evan said, cringing at the squeak in his voice.

He started blushing again when Connor looked up, not smiling but his eyes looked like it, “Cool, I’m grounded for the next couple of days but after that?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Nodding again Connor picked up one of his own earbuds, putting it in and turning something on, tapping his foot while he typed.

_ Connor Murphy (11:52): 18349 Cherry Ridge Ave. _

“There’s my address,” Connor said, leaning over the table as Evan read it, “We can probably go to my house whenever.”

Nodding and feeling his heart rate pick up Evan looked up, going for a smile but he was pretty sure it just came out stiff. "Cool."


	2. The Murphy Household

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes over to Connor's house several times over the course of a few weeks; he notices an atmospheric shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I switched up the setting in this chapter but the time lapse concept is still there 
> 
> I decided to change the setting because I feel like having intimate discussions at a lunch table never really works out

The Murphy’s house was a lot, well,  _ more _ than Evan expected. 

When he turned into their neighborhood he realized they were pretty well off, their house was in one of those named, gated community kind of places that Evan and his mom used to drive past when he was little and pretend the houses were castles.

They’d been joking but in reality they weren’t that far from the truth. 

He’d actually re-checked Connor’s address in his phone five or six times before he even considered walking up because this house was really big and if it wasn’t Connor’s and he went up there, some weird rich people would stare at him like he was a freak. 

Then he got to thinking that that was how most people stared at him and even Jared sometimes even though they were friends, well family friends and  _ that _ spitballed into his negative qualities and he started to get lost in the spiral.

Five minutes managed to pass over the course of that line of thought before he brought himself back down and Evan was starting to  _ feel _ like a freak, and he could feel his nerves start jumping and he didn’t need this right now, he didn’t need this  _ ever. _

_ Bing _

Evan’s gaze shifted to where his phone sat on his lap and saw a text from Connor:

 

_ Connor Murphy: the neighborhood’s kind of confusing, we’re the first house on your right once you turn onto the street, just walk up whenever u get here _

 

This of course meant that Evan  _ was  _ at the right house, and he’d been sitting there in his car for the last five minutes looking like an idiot. And now he had to get out because there was a chance that he’d drive away if he didn’t leave his car soon because it felt really small all of the sudden.

And he was focusing really hard on keeping his hands in his pockets and his feet from tripping over themselves on this way up to the front door, probably too hard to be normal but he didn’t have the capacity to think about that right now. 

Their door had one of those weird knocker thing with some sort of emblem on it, and he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to use it because it was rusted through pretty good. He actually stood there and thought about it for a good thirty seconds before deciding to just knock because Jesus he needed to have the ability to make a decision.

_ Knock, knock, knock. _

The sound hung in the air for a few seconds before dissipating and the heavy clouds and Victorian esque gave him some  _ The Raven _ vibes. Fuck, that poem didn’t really end well though and thinking about it probably jinxed him in some way and Jared always said he was too superstitious but Jared wasn’t here and-

_ Creak.  _

“Hey dude.”

Connor stood in the doorway looking a little bit nervous as he shifted from foot to foot,and Evan struggled to look anything but nervous or weird as he redirected his focus back to the task at hand.

But fuck he hated when his train of thought got cut off like that. “Hey!” And he sounded way too excited to be at someone’s house, and it really sounded like he never went to people’s houses and Connor probably figured that out already and what the fuck was he  _ doing _ . 

For some reason Connor didn’t seem to show any inclination that he could read Evan’s racing, jumbled thoughts; no, he just smirked, or smiled? Evan was pretty bad at reading body language so he couldn’t really tell, but regardless he sort of held the door open for Evan and gestured inside.

“You can come in.”

Evan didn’t say anything, just nodded a little bit too jerkily to be natural and walked in. The second Connor had said anything he’d immediately tried to dissect tone and intent and the inside of his house was really fucking  _ nice _ and he was getting distracted now. 

“Your house is, uh, really nice,” he said as Connor sort of played with his hands and watched him look around. A part of him felt bad for taking comfort in the fact that Connor seemed just as nervous as him, which rarely happened because he was nervous on a molecular level and everyone else was decently normal. 

“Yeah,” Connor said, “I’m usually just in my room though.” He took a little bit of a pause that Evan became very aware was part of his own speech pattern. “We can go up there if you want, nobody’s home but my Dad and he won’t come out of the basement.”

At the hint of bitterness during the latter half of Connor’s sentence, Evan let out a nervous laugh, almost immediately wishing he hadn’t because he had no room to pull rank when it came to Dad’s.

“Sure,” he said, and felt his body twitch slightly when Connor brushed past him and bumped his shoulder a bit before leading him upstairs. 

Connor noticed and sent Evan a glance over his shoulder with less malice than he was used to. “I don’t bite or anything.” 

“Oh, I-I know, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting-or just used to-” Fuck now that sounded  _ really  _  pathetic and-

“Dude it’s okay,” Connor said, “You don’t have to apologize or anything, I get it.” 

They got to the top of the stairs and Evan felt a little taken back because that wasn’t really the response he’d been expecting from Connor Murphy of all people, even if the guy was nicer than he came off. Jared had a tendency to tease him pretty ruthlessly when he flinched so the bit or reassurance felt, nice. 

But he didn’t say that; he couldn’t say that, it would ruin the little comfort they had with each other because most people don’t take basic human gestures like some sort of unwelcome gift and he couldn’t make himself stop  _ doing it _ . 

Connor cleared his throat and Evan looked up from the place on the wall where he’d apparently subconsciously decided to focus his eyes on. 

“This is pretty much it, like I said we can kind of do whatever,” he said with the edge back in his voice a little, “My dad can’t hear us even without a door.”

At that Evan took in the fact that there wasn’t a door and was about to ask before Connor took it upon himself to explain. 

“Yeah it got taken off a few weeks ago because privacy is reserved for the one kid my parents trust,” Connor said. 

“Oh, um-”

“Sorry, just, you can sit wherever.”

Connor had sort of gestured toward the bed and Evan took that as cue and sat down on it with his back against the wall. “Tha-that, uh, sucks with your parents though,” Evan offered as he took a second to bite at his lip and wait to see how he was received. 

Pretty well it turned out. 

“Ha, yeah Zoe is sort of the golden child,” he said. Evan could have sworn Connor was waiting to see how  _ he  _ was received because from what he could tell he was doing the same lip-bite-and-glance-up thing Evan had just done.

“That sucks.”

A beat followed by a sharp intake of breath.

“Yeah well is what it is I guess,” Connor said, “What about you, your parents play favorites or anything?”

Evan head no idea how his dad leaving managed to come up in almost every conversation with a new person, but he had to answer it everytime, and got the same look of pity every time. “I’m an only child actually.”

A pulse of encouragement when Connor perked up a little bit. 

“My mom raised me by herself though?” Again, not a question, “My dad isn’t really in the, uh, picture anymore, hasn’t been for a while.”

“Oh,” Connor said. And just kind of trailed off.

Evan totally expected the interaction to go downhill from there because it always did and he’d probably end up going home early because he’d made things awkward like he always did.

“Well,” Connor said, in what seemed like an almost blatant interruption of his thoughts, “Good that we’re friends then.”

He moved to sit next to Evan on his bed and pulled out his phone, oblivious to the shock at being called a friend and the fact that he had no fucking clue what Connor meant by that. 

“How?” he asked as he began memorizing each of the individual loose threads in his shoes. An awful lot of them. 

Connor looked up and got as close to a proper smile as Evan had ever see and jerked his head toward the open door, leading to what Evan hadn’t realized until now was an eerily silent house. “That’s one thing we have in common.”

* * *

 

Evan pulled his key out of the ignition and reached into his back seat, fingers scraping against a cardboard box and lifting it onto his lap. 

He managed to take a deep breath or two before he pulled the latch open on his door. Familiarity tended to breed confidence and so he didn’t feel his hands shaking as much as he walked up to the Murphy’s front door for the second time.

When Connor had asked him in lunch the other day to come back he’d been totally disarmed, used to general routine of an awkward first time at someone’s house and never getting the option of coming back. 

Not this time though, not with Connor. He’d said yes faster than he would have liked to admit.

So he was here, back at the same door with the same rusted knocker and lacquered surface. Apparently there’d been a doorbell that he hadn’t seen that first time, and he shifted the heavy box in his arms to reach out and push it.

_ Ring _

The rather featureless cover of Pink Floyd's  _ The Wall _ stared up at him while he waited; his arms had actually started to ache a little, vinyl was a lot heavier than he’d anticipated.

“Evan!”

Evan blinked rapidly and looked up. It was not Connor. The sense of familiarity was gone.

A woman who he could only logically assume was Connor’s mom was standing in front of him, face plastered with a smile and she waited for him to respond like a normal human being.

“Hi um,” he said as he tried to think of what to say because she knew his name so he couldn’ introduce himself and the longer he stayed quiet the weirder she’d think he’d be and-

Footsteps thudded down the stairs and Evan glanced over Mrs. Murphy’s shoulder and could feel his whole body relax as Connor walked up to stand next to his mom.

“Hey Evan,” he said, “This is my mom, you can uh, come in.”

Mrs. Murphy stepped aside and placed a hand on the small of his back to lead him inside. Evan’s whole body felt electrocuted but he didn’t think she noticed because she moved to shut the door behind him.

There was a brief second where he could have sworn Connor gave him a funny look but he just let it go as Mrs. Murphy turned back to him.

“We’re so happy to have you Evan, and thank you for bringing these records!” The gesture to the box brought back the dormant pains in his arms and Evan weakly smiled back at her. 

“It-it’s no problem, uh,” he glanced over at Connor, “where should I…?”

“Upstairs in my room, let’s go,” Connor said quickly, “Thanks mom, we’ll be up there.”

If his mom had any sort of reaction to her son dragging his friend away he didn’t get to see it, hence the ‘dragging away’ that Connor was currently doing. Physically doing; with his hand on Evan’s wrist. 

He could feel his skin tingling and when Connor finally got to his room and dropped his own hand Evan’s heart was beating like he’d just run a mile.

“Sorry about my mom, she gets weird when people come over.”

Evan nodded and walked over to set the box down on Connor’s bed. “It’s okay, she seems, um, nice.” In his head that sounded a lot less unsure and fixed. 

Connor though, didn’t seem to notice. As he flicked through the pile of records in the cardboard box, Evan thought that he seemed a little distracted in general. From the limited interactions they’d had over the past few weeks Evan noticed that Connor usually gave him full attention. He always made a point of making eye contact when they were talking and nodding along so Evan would know he was listening, and the difference now was tangible.

Then, in a typical ‘asked and answered fashion’ Connor turned to face Evan with a  _ Grateful Dead _ record in his hand and creased eyebrows. “Are you okay?”

A jolt of anxiety pressed down on his system; not really prepared for that. 

“Y-yeah? I mean-why?” Evan asked. He was very aware of the fact that his fucking stutter and general deer in the headlights look wasn’t serving to advance his argument.

A shrug.

“You seemed off when I pulled your wrist and stuff, like with touch.”

Connor was being frank and Evan was starting to identify that as a quality of his but he had no idea what he was supposed to do with it. He couldn’t talk about this, he  _ never _ talked about  _ any _ of this.

“It’s-I mean it’s not really a big deal it’s just weird, sorry,” he said quickly. He felt more than saw Connor’s confusion and made his way sit on the bed like last time; he wanted this to be like last time it was easy last time. 

“Don’t apologize,” Connor said, “I just don’t want to make you feel weird or anything.” And he didn’t move to sit next to Evan like last time and Evan started feeling his heart race because the slice of tension was causing a tear and he couldn’t make it  _ stop. _

Bedspread shifted under his fingers for a few seconds before he could understand that the bed wasn’t moving, his hands were, and shaking over and over again despite his efforts to make everything around him stop.

He’d always been awfully bad when he tried to make everything stop; it had happened once before.

“Oh fuck.”

Evan heard Connor from where he’d been standing but he knew he was a lot closer than his ears were trying to convince him. “I-I, fuck.” 

The feeling of a throat closing over nothing and all words were stopping and the bed was dipping as Connor sat down next to him but he couldn’t  _ see _ because he couldn’t move his eyes from where they’d become glued to the floor.

“Shit okay, um, do-do you-I feel like I should be doing something,” Connor said and Evan could feel the anxiety bleeding off of him and into bedspread because everything he touched became stained. 

“Y’know I’m going to look up what to do because I don’t want to make this worse for you.”

The sentiment felt warm in Evan’s hands and he felt himself nodding without his brain producing the signal to do so. Calm down calm the fuck down he needed to calm down and breath because he always forgot to do that and now the numbers and the in and out was coming back and he let himself get lost in the orderliness of it.

 

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

6...

Hold.

Out.

6...

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Repeat.

 

And he did, enough times that the count started to get jumbled and Connor moved again so that he could look at Evan and his expression was pained but not in a bad way. Not in a way that made  _ him  _ feel bad that was.

“So um, I found a website and it says that touch can be good,” Connor said, “but only for some people and I don’t know, is this okay?” He reached out tentatively and touched Evan hand with his own and the feeling of skin and cells and blood and life rushed into him and he didn’t want it to stop.

A nod. A hand gripping his tighter while another moved to his back and more counting, so much more counting, and breathing.

“I-thanks,” Evan said quietly once his throat would allow. Senses coming back was always a good sign and he felt his distorted hearing regulate and his eyes move; well, saw more than felt his eyes move.

“No problem, I, uh, I get it I think,” Connor said, “I mean I don’t get  _ them _ , panic attacks or whatever, but the overwhelming part of it, I get that.” He still maintained eye contact with Evan he for the life of him he couldn’t find any uncomfortableness or aversion in them, it disarmed him a little. “Are you okay?”

“I um, I think so for now,” Evan said. It was more a white lie if anything, of course he wasn’t  _ okay _ , but he couldn’t feel the edges of his mind pushing at his insides, which was a pretty major plus.

A hint of a smile and the feeling of a hand being moved away, followed by the other. “Okay, well I feel like it’d be cool to put a record on and chill for a while, what we were going to do anyway really.”

He got up then as Evan nodded and picked up the  _ Grateful Dead  _ record from where it’d been placed on his desk. Fiddling with the player he’d told Evan he’d found in his attic, Connor took out the record and put it on the track.

Evan moved back so his back rested against the wall, just like last time.

Music started playing out of the player and Connor let out a little sound of triumph before walked over and sitting next to Evan on the bed.

“God I could fall asleep listening to music like this, y’know?” Connor said.

Evan nodded and felt himself relax, a lot more than last time actually. And the electricity didn’t feel as painful when Connor’s shoulder came to rest against his, and the music was really fucking nice.

 

_ Sugar Magnolia blossom's blooming _

_ Head's all empty and I don't care _

_ Saw my baby down by the river _

_ Knew she'd have to come up soon for air… _

* * *

 

The third time didn’t bring any sort of clarity, any sort of self discovery; the third time wasn’t about him at all. 

No, the third time was so much to do with the voice screaming at Connor as he walked out of his house and into Evan’s car, and so much more to do with the person that got inside the car.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said as Evan pulled away from the curb and started driving, neither of them really knew to where. 

“It’s okay.”

A heavy silence. An engine cutting as an empty playground laid on their right and an empty road on the left. 

Evan turned to the side in time to catch the body that was suddenly wracked with sobs and falling into his. His arms wrapping around Connor and the feeling of being helpful and being needed was overpowered with concern when Connor began peppering his sobs with apologizes over and over again.

That was a little too familiar to bring about any sense of comfort.

“It’s okay, it’s always okay.”

Sobs continued and the two boys remained wrapped around each other until they stopped; neither of them could have identified how long.

* * *

 

Evan didn’t have to wait very long the fourth time he pulled up to Connor’s house, Connor was out the door almost the second he got the car stopped. Passenger side pulled open a half second after that.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

The car pulled away while Connor switched on the radio and Evan tried and fail to bite back his smile. This was a good day, a real one too, not the kind that you typed up and handed to your therapist when they asked for it. 

Because this time Evan had actually asked Connor to hang out; a normal human skill that he hadn’t practiced in years, but had brought out because he actually wanted to for the first time in  _ years.  _

“So Hansen,” Connor said, “Finally bringing me to your mystery house, I’m pretty excited if I’m honest.”

Making a turn, Evan smiled a little bit bigger and tapped his fingers against the wheel. “Yeah, my mom’s working a double shift tonight so it should be nice, we can uh, like order food later and stuff.”

Connor hummed approvingly. “Sounds great.”

There wasn’t a hint of anything but sincerity in Connor’s voice and Evan felt warmth spread throughout his body, because for once, it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the new style a little bit! Expect another setting change for the final chapter :)
> 
> (Song lyrics were from Sugar Magnolia by the Grateful Dead)


	3. The Hansen Residence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally gets to Evan's house, more than once actually

“Okay my expectations have been met thus far.”

Evan shifted the car into park and pulled the key from the ignition. Light filtered through the windshield and into everything he was saying and feeling because he felt  _ good _ . “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

A part of him recognized the patterned danger of feeling this good but he didn’t want to focus in on that part, head versus heart or something like that.

The passenger side door clicked open and Connor barked out what might have been a laugh, it sounded less rusted than Evan would have expected. “A good thing, Evan.”

Good things always seemed to be hollow but he didn’t think about the hollow he just thought about leaving the car and getting his keys because he operated on the one step at a time system. “Good.”

The irony of the word rang in his ears as he bumped his shoulder against Connor’s on the way to the porch. 

Unlocking the front door, Evan walked in after Connor and kicked off his shoes, watching Connor take in the house. He was being a little dramatic today and Evan really loved that side of him, the side that was looking overly thoughtful as he shrugged off his coat.

It was October now and the fact that they had to start wearing coats had been a major topic of discussion at lunch. Turns out they both had more winter attire than they knew what to do with and were overly in love with the concept of autumn. 

Similarities like that popped up a lot between them now. 

“I’m pretty impressed,” Connor said, “I actually feel like this lives up to the hype.”

“I don’t remember any hype.”

“My hype, Evan.”

Connor smiled more with his eyes than anything and Evan felt the warmth again. “Well, we can uh, go in my room if you want?” 

There had to be a way to phrase that question without making it sound awkward or seductive, but Evan sure as hell hadn’t found it and was  _ so  _ happy that it came out like the former.

A nod followed by the two of them wandering toward Evan’s room, painted a navy blue that he always thought was too dark, he preferred a lighter shade, but went with anyway, couldn’t remember exactly why.

Connor sat down on his bed without needing an invitation and surveyed the room with a mock criticism. There had to be something in the air because both of them seemed generally okay for once and he couldn’t speak for Connor but Evan felt fucking  _ great. _

They say that the human brain is built to recognize patterns, but one’s ability to act upon that recognition is completely and totally up to him or herself. Evan knew this, and when Connor flopped down onto his back he made the executive decision to ignore the feeling of soaring to close to the sun for once. 

“What’s that old movie about like,” Connor snapped his fingers while he thought, “Like kids, but they’re in a desert?”

Evan tilted his head and took a seat next to Connor, well the bottom half of Connor and said, “I have no idea.”

A groan and Connor sat up to face Evan. “Fuck, yeah you do, it was a book, there was like a rhyme thing.” He bit his lip and looked at Evan for some sort of help, it was almost cute.

That logical part of him Evan was suppressing recognized that it wasn’t almost, but  _ was _ .

“ _ Holes _ !” Connor said excitedly after a couple more seconds, “That’s it! We should totally watch  _ Holes _ .”

“I, um,” Evan started, “I don’t really know what that is, don’t think I’ve seen it.” 

At Connor’s open-mouthed stare Evan felt his heart rate jump for a couple of seconds. Shove it back down, organs can be controlled like that right? It’s not like he was asking it to stop or anything, that was a story for a far different time, an autumn day where Connor wasn’t in his room and looking at him with a genuine interest.

He put a hand on Evan’s shoulder and lowered his head so they had the same eye level. “You’re  _ joking _ .”

Again, the issue of touch sensitivity was addressed that day at Connor’s because Evan didn’t feel the same type of shaky that he would have if anyone else touched him. 

“No? Is it good?” Evan asked.

Connor’s hand moved from his shoulder and Evan actually missed the warmth once Connor started typing on his phone rapidly. 

“It’s amazing and we’re watching it on my phone right now.”

Evan let out a laugh with a hint of a shake at the end and both him and Connor moved so that they were laying down rather comfortably when it started.

Besides Connor’s occasional fun fact about the movie or its cast, they spent the first half of it in a relative silence. Not an uncomfortable silence, Connor was invested as was Evan and they found little room to talk.

It was a damn good movie, the time lapse plotline was really cool and Evan actually enjoyed watching the interactions between different characters. Usually while watching movies the level of disconnection between himself and other, confident characters made him feel anxious and low by the end; cinematography had a funny effect on him that he really fucking hated. 

But this movie felt better and, to be fair, a good forty percent of his attention was on Connor. Within a few minutes of the movie starting he looked more relaxed than Evan had ever seen him and he wanted to associate himself with that look on Connor’s face but he knew that was selfish. 

Once they got to the point where Zero stole the truck the minimal distance between the two of them was gone. Body heat transferred rather fast and despite the fact that it was getting cold and their heating hadn’t worked since last spring, cold was the last thing on Evan’s mind.

He’d become so focused on the plot that he hadn’t paid any mind to the fact that the air around them suddenly felt charged, or that Connor had started playing with the string on his hoodie again. 

They say that the human brain is built to recognize patterns, but one’s ability to act upon that recognition is completely and totally up to him or herself. 

“Evan?”

Connor’s voice sounded smaller than he was used to at this point and Evan glanced over without pausing the movie; his brain sent the signal to kickstart his heart rate without permission.

“Yeah?” 

“Do I still make you anxious?”

Disarmed, Evan suddenly felt the patterns forcing themselves to the forefront of his brain that might have warned him a question like this was coming.

“Um, no? I don’t think so, uh, why?” he asked while the muscles in his legs began to tense with the urge to flee. His body had always preferred the latter half of fight or flight.

Connor stayed silent for a few seconds before answering. “I don’t know, I just-” he cut off abruptly and bit his lip, “-I’ve seen you get like, anxious and stuff when we talk sometimes and I, just, I don’t want to do anything to cause that y’know?”

Evan didn’t really know. He didn’t know where this was coming from or why no was the right moment to be asking, but he did know that beneath that sentence was a thin layer of guilt that  _ he _ caused. 

Rapidly, he tried to dissolve it. “You-you don’t! No, I just, um, I get anxious at a lot of stupid things and then they sort of pile up and I swear, you haven’t done anything to like, cause a panic attack or something.”

He paused to take a breath.

“Like that one time at your house I had one but it wasn’t because you did anything wrong. I just felt weird and it came out at the wrong time and a lot of stuff comes out at the wrong time, I’m sorry I just-”

A hand on his cut off the rest of the sentence and Evan looked up. Connor was looking at him with something that he couldn’t discern and he felt something that he couldn’t quite discern either.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Connor said. He always addressed the over apologizing before anything, “And you don’t have to justify getting anxious okay? I brought that up in kind of a shitty way that made it sound like that,  _ I’m _ sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Evan said quietly. Blood was rushing through his body really fast now and the speed of his heart beat almost hurt, but he didn’t feel bad. Justification always felt bad, shameful almost; vulnerability wasn’t really his style. 

“I’ve just been curious for a while, because I don’t really understand the whole panic thing,” Connor said.

The sound of a gunshot echoed from the speakers on Connor’s phone, neither of them moved to turn it off. 

A finality settled on the end of Connor’s statement and Evan shifted a bit. “Well um, I mean I’ve had it for a really long time, since probably the end of elementary school?”

A reactionary gauge that yielded nothing but calm and Evan continued. “What do you, um, want to know I guess?”

“Maybe like,” Connor said, “How does it feel? That’s a really blunt question but I don’t really know how else to phrase it.” He squeezed Evan’s hand a bit in what seemed like a gesture of assurance and Evan let out a breath. 

“Um, my heart speeds up really fast a lot? And my hands get shaky, which like, you’ve seen, and I get sensitive to like, sound, and breathing becomes sort of hard. Like there’s something sitting on my chest.”

He looked at Connor for assurance after he spoke, that was as accurate as he’d ever gotten in a description, even with his therapist. 

“Do you feel like that now?”

They say that the human brain is built to recognize patterns, but one’s ability to act upon that recognition is completely and totally up to him or herself. 

Evan shook his head slightly and almost frowned when Connor leaned forward, body heat transferring seamlessly as the distance closed between them. 

The kiss was lighter than how Evan hadn’t even realized he’d subconsciously imagined it. Lasted half as long as he would have liked before Connor pulled back.

“Now?”

The question hung in the air as Evan’s heart sped up and his breathing hitched just the slightest bit. 

“No.”

* * *

 

Evan shifted the car into park with an an empty playground laid out on their right and an empty road on the left.

A bag crumpled and Evan turned to look at Connor fumbling through the bag of McDonalds they’d picked upon the way here. 

“You’re not one of those people who doesn’t like food in their car, right?”

“Nope,” Evan said lightly as Connor passed him a burger and placed a container of fries in the cupholder between them. 

“Good because I’m starving,” Connor said. He bit into his burger with fervor and Evan smiled a little bit before biting into his own, and fuck whoever said that all food tastes better when you’re hungry was  _ right _ . 

They wolfed down their burgers in probably three minutes before even taking a breath; the power had been out when they got to school and they got sent home. Not really home, Evan and Connor had driven out into a part of town that Evan had just assumed was woods, but in reality had a pretty impressive orchard that Connor knew. 

Besides mentioning that he went there was a kid there was little discussion of the place itself, seemed like too much of a sore subject for some reason. It had been really cool, they’d walked around the apple trees for a long time and talked about anything that came to their minds. 

It felt nice to be alone out there, Evan had been avoiding woodsy sort of areas since the summer, and he missed the way he felt small surrounded by all the trees.

But yeah, they hadn’t thought to bring food, hence the way the fast food they picked up was devoured in what had to be some sort of record time.

“God that was good,” Connor said, head leaned back onto the rest and feet up on the dash.  

Evan nodded and gathered all of their wrappers into the bag. “I know.”

“A man of few words.”

A shrug followed by a slight upturn on the mouth and Connor actually laughed a little bit. He did that more often around Evan lately. 

“Oh shit,” Connor said, “I forgot, I got called in to see the social worker yesterday.”

“Oh,” Evan said. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that, he’d gotten called in a few times and it was usually a pretty shit time. “Why?”

He watched Connor’s eyes shut, heard him sigh a little bit when he took a second to stretch out his arms. Drawing stuff out seemed to be a habit of his. 

After a couple seconds, he said, “‘A concerned student reported my behavior.’ Probably just a prank or some shit, but I had to sit through a lecture about seeing a therapist. Boring, but I got to miss calculus so I don’t really care.” He opened his eyes and smirked at Evan with a hint of satisfaction

Now see, Evan was really confused. “Wait, you don’t see a therapist?” 

Silence for a few seconds

“No?” The smirk was gone now, and Connor tilted his head a bit as he looked at Evan; there was no hostility but he looked confused himself. “You think Larry would ever let me? He’d rather die.”

That was fair, but still.

“Yeah but I mean, do you want to?” Evan asked. For some reason he’d just assumed Connor saw at least like, the guidance counselor or something. His dad was a prick but that was a pretty major service to just flat out deny your kid.

Connor didn’t seem to think that much of it though. 

“I mean, if it was offered I guess?” he said, “I used to see the counselor for like, cutting and shit but that stopped about a year or so ago and I never gave it any more thought I guess.” He looked a little bit uncomfortable now and Evan backed off a little; the self harm didn’t come as a huge surprise, he’d seen marks on Connor’s upper arms but didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by bringing it up, they didn’t seem new. 

He cleared his throat. “That’s fair, I just assumed, sorry.”

Silence with an edge to it now.

“It’s okay.”

He didn’t want to make this what it was turning into. “I’m happy you don’t, anymore.”

The lack of subject was noticed but not brought up, neither of them needed to. 

“Thanks Evan.”

The smile was back and the radio on by the time he started the car.

* * *

 

“I don’t get why you don’t want to go, I thought it’d be fun,” Connor said. 

They stood in Evan’s room, Connor’s arms crossed and Evan’s desperately trying not to shake. With the amount of charge in the air he could have struck a match and the house would’ve gone up in flames.

Evan felt his mind scrambling for some sentence to hold onto and force out of his mouth but he kept coming up empty. He just wasn’t a liar and no amount of pressure could change that.

“It’s just-I haven’t been there since I broke my arm,” he said finally. It was the closest he could get to the truth without stating it because the truth was sharp and jagged and cut through his mind like a knife.

A beat of silence followed.

Connor let out a breath and looked at Evan with more intensity than he had been a moment ago, clearly trying to decipher what that meant. “So? It’s not like you were mugged or something, you fell out of a tree.” 

Evan did, he did fall out of a tree and there had been nothing more to say about that day for months. Because that day could just have well not happened at all because it’s not like anyone was there and if nobody was there then it  _ didn’t _ happen, he fell and nobody was there and he didn’t make a sound and he didn’t need to talk about it he didn’t-

“Evan?”

Connor was closer than he had been when Evan closed his eyes even though he didn’t remember closing them at all.

Backtracking. 

“We don’t have to go, I’m sorry,” Connor said. Hurt flashed across his face for a half second when Evan flinched from his outstretched hand. Hurt radiated through Evan’s entire body when he flinched away from said outstretched hand, but the reflex had already taken over.

Words were clogging his throat and he couldn’t tiptoe around this forever and he knew that what he said next was going to come out but no conscious part of him formed the sentence. 

“No, it’s not you, it-I just, didn’t fall out of the tree okay?” 

It was vague but it was all he had, it was all he would probably ever be able to give.

It took a few seconds before the recognition dawned on Connor’s face and he took a step toward Evan; his hands were shaking. It was weirdly like looking in a mirror.

“Fuck, I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your-”

“No,” Connor said forcefully, “I’m  _ sorry _ Evan, I’m so so sorry.” 

He pulled Evan into a hug and Evan felt like he was missing something because Connor’s whole body was shaking and he wasn’t mad and he wasn’t pulling away and  _ Evan  _ wasn’t pulling away.

Tears started falling before he knew he was sad because Connor knew and somebody finally knew and the sound was pounding in his ears because there was finally a sound to be heard.

Connor felt solid even though he was leaning into Evan as much as Evan was into him and phantom pains shot through his arm for a half second because he was finally able to feel it. Feel anything about that day.

* * *

 

“Evan! Your friend’s here!”

His mom’s words cut through the doze that had steadily been taking over and Evan groaned before sitting up on his bed. She was either talking about Jared or Connor and Jared never came here without warning well in advance, neither had Connor to be fair, but the timeline was vastly different there. 

“Coming,” Evan said with a yawn. 

The sight of his mom hugging a slightly uncomfortable looking Connor in their doorway was really unexpected and he was too tired to bite back the smile. “Hey Connor.”

His mom turned to face Evan with a bright smile, this was probably the first person he’d had over besides Jared in actual years. “You didn’t tell me you had a friend coming over, I’ll set make him an extra plate.”

She ruffled Evan’s hair as she walked into the kitchen and Evan thanked her over and over in his head. 

“Thanks Mrs. Hansen!” Connor called after her. He seemed awful chipper when he looked at Evan, who was still pretty confused. “Your mom’s really nice dude.”

“Thanks,” Evan said, “Sorry if you texted me, I fell asleep right after school-”

“I didn’t actually,” Connor said with a grin, “Sorry about that, I was just really excited and I wanted to tell you in person.”

“Tell me what?” Evan asked. A smile grew on his own face when Connor grabbed his wrist and pulled him into his room, Connor’s excitement was rare and infectious and he found himself excited as well.

The door shut behind them and Connor bounced on his heels for a seconds before he said anything. 

“What?” Evan asked, the hint of a whine on his voice as he shoved lightly at Connor’s shoulder, “I’m hooked now, c’mon.”

“I got into Wisconsin State,” he said quickly. At Evan’s look of shock he pulled him in for a kiss and had to stop when he started laughing through it. “I know! I got the letter today and I didn’t think I could get in but they loved my personal statement and we can go together Evan!”

Warmth was flooding through Evan’s entire system and he ducked his head into Connor’s chest once he started laughing too. They’d been waiting to see if Connor got in for a few weeks now since Evan had gotten his own acceptance letter, along with a pretty generous financial aid package, and fuck this was amazing. 

“I knew you would!” he said once he gained some composure and looked up, “I knew it! Your personal statement was  _ amazing _ and your grades improved a lot this semester and just, yes!”

They both hugged again and Connor’s heart was beating really fast, definitely in a good way, and this was all just the best outcome possible. 

“So we can apply for housing soon, and the roommate system is really cool there so it’ll be really easy for us to apply…” 

Evan smiled as Connor started rambling happily and sort of zoned out, he felt sort of bad about that, but Connor looked so genuinely happy it made him want to cry. 

It was really fucking amazing to cry out of happiness, he’d never found the appeal before.

* * *

 

They say that the human brain is built to recognize patterns, but one’s ability to act upon that recognition is completely and totally up to him or herself. 

Evan figured that a lunch period switch wasn’t enough to trigger a pattern recognition, but he’d been thinking about it a lot lately. Luck had never really made sense to him, and if it wasn’t that than it had to be a pattern. 

Because there was no way that logic hadn’t played any factor in the weight of Connor’s head on his chest right now. The fact that it was there at all must have been some sort of fate, he couldn’t have gotten that lucky without an explanation. 

The more he thought about it though, the more tired he got, and the less he cared. All he knew in that moment was he was in a dorm room with his best friend and whatever high school administrative fuck up had got them together in the first place was to thank. 

Their heartbeats synchronized a few moments before he fell asleep and it felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's done! I can't tell if I'm happy with the way it ended but I feel like it had a sense of closure that I really needed to convey. 
> 
> I was super motivated to write this because of my own emotional state and connection to the characters, so if you have any sort of feedback it's super appreciated; hope you guys liked how this turned out!!

**Author's Note:**

> The first installment of what'll hopefully be several more!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, leave kudos if you did!!


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